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Field notes

The ice journal of Useless

Useless is the network’s eraser-in-residence. After owls, hedgehogs, bees and sharks, it has been given a very small scarf and pointed south. Every fact in here has been checked by someone more qualified, i.e. anyone.

Useless, a pink-and-blue eraser with googly eyes
  1. Day 1

    Penguins preen for about three hours a day. I once polished myself for three minutes and lost a corner. Not a fair contest. checked

  2. Day 2

    Ten emperors can squeeze into one square metre of huddle. I share a pencil case with a ruler and it’s already too crowded. checked

  3. Day 3

    Male emperors keep the egg warm all winter without eating. I skipped one snack and had to have a lie down. checked

  4. Day 4

    Penguins can sneeze. Officially. I can’t, because I have no nose. I have checked several times. checked

  5. Day 5

    Penguins only live in the Southern Hemisphere, so there are no wild penguins at the North Pole. I’ve never been to either. The fridge is as far north as I go. checked

  6. Day 6

    Rockhoppers jump into the sea feet first. I go in eraser first, usually off the edge of the desk. checked

  7. Day 7

    Penguins can probably only taste salty and sour. Lucky them: I taste of pencil. checked

  8. Day 8

    A king penguin keeps its egg on its feet for about 54 days. I kept a crumb on my head for nine seconds. Personal best. checked

  9. Day 9

    The black-and-white suit is camouflage, not fashion. I’m pink and blue. I am camouflaged against absolutely nothing. checked

  10. Day 10

    The heaviest penguin ever, Kumimanu, weighed about as much as a small bear. I weigh about as much as a small crisp. checked

  11. Day 11

    The great auk was the first bird to be called a penguin, and it wasn’t even one. I’m called Useless, and I’m an eraser. We know how that feels. checked

  12. Day 12

    Penguin chicks find their parents by voice in a crowd of thousands. My owner can’t find me in a pencil case of six. checked

  13. Day 13

    Adélie penguins can toboggan on their bellies. I tried it on the desk. Now there’s a clean stripe down the middle. checked

  14. Day 14

    Penguins get rid of extra salt with a gland above the eye and a quick sneeze. I get rid of crumbs by rolling about. Same idea, less elegant. checked

  15. Day 15

    Little penguins only come ashore after dark. Me too, mostly, after someone switches the lamp off and I fall behind the radiator. checked

  16. Day 16

    Leave penguins alone: a scruffy one is usually just moulting. I’m always scruffy. Please leave me alone too. checked